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Uncategorized | May 31, 2017

Things That Really Happened Along The Way: I Can Hear You

Saturday, June 3rd is The Velvet Note’s Fifth Anniversary.  You can attend our celebration by making a reservation at http://thevelvetnote.com/fifth-anniversary.

 

I CAN HEAR YOU

 

In March of 2014, I picked up the telephone, as I do a hundred times a day.

“Good Morning, The Velvet Note.” 

There was a woman on the other end of line.  She was crying.  Actually, she was transitioning from the twangy cry to the ugly cry and she was completely incoherent.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, I cannot understand you.  Just …try and calm down and tell me how I can help.”

“Can you hear me?” she pushed through the tears.

“I can hear you.  What’s the matter?” I asked.  

The woman explained that she had just heard that Diane Schuur would be performing at The Velvet Note and she had tried to buy tickets, but they were all sold out.  She simply must attend the show.

I rolled my eyes.  Seriously, Lady?  Such drama.  “Um…yes ma’am.  We are definitely sold out.  I wish I could create a seat, but I can’t.  Perhaps you can see Diane another time.”

“No, you don’t understand,” she said.  “We grew up together.  We have been friends for most of our lives.  I love her dearly.  I rarely get out of Georgia these days because it’s hard for me to travel now.  This is the first time she’s been here.  I need to come to this concert.  It would literally break my heart if I missed her.”

Now, I had heard lots of reasons why people needed me to create seats that didn’t exist.  Anniversary, birthday, getting out of the doghouse….I didn’t know whether to believe her or not.  I explained to her that we simply couldn’t do it, and there was only one night of shows.  “What if I could get her to do a second night?” she asked.

“Um….I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t think that’s likely to happen.” We had been lucky to get the first night.  “However, I will make you a deal:   You get Diane Schuur to perform for a second night at The Velvet Note and I will GIVE you your seat for free.  Just have her management call me.” 

That oughtta call your bluff, Ms. Crazy Crying Lady.    

I really have to hire a service to answer these calls, I thought.  I now understand why there’s no jazz owner in the country who picks up their own phone.  I thought of all the additional hours I could recover each day if I only returned messages.  I started looking on the internet for answering services we could afford.  I found one, and reached for the phone.  It began ringing before I could dial.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Tamara?”

“Yes?”

“This is Deedles!” she bubbled over.

“Deed…? Hello…what?  Ms. Schuur?” Everyone in jazz knew that “Deedles” was Diane Schuur’s nickname.

“Yes, honey, and I am so glad you answered your phone.  I’m in the airport and I only have a second to talk, but I understand that my friend has been trying to get seats to my show at your place and she can’t get in.

“Um….yes ma’am.  That’s correct.  Apparently, you’re quite the legendary celebrity, or something like that.”  She chuckled.  Whew, boy was I glad she had a sense of humor.  “I am pleased to report that there are no more seats left in your show.”  While talking, I had stood up and begun looking around the room for hidden cameras.  Surely I was being punked for entertainment purposes.

“Well, what if I called Nick over at the agency and told him to add a second night.  I have the next day off.  Would that work?”

“Yes ma’am.  We would be honored to have you for a second night.

“Good then.  It’s all settled. Expect his call.  I look forward to meeting you.  Goodbye!”

I wasn’t sure what had just happened, but I was pretty sure it would never have happened if I hadn’t answered the phone.  And yes, we got Diane Schuur for a second night and The Crazy Crying Lady was on the front row with tears in her eyes and a huge smile on her face.  

Back in the Green Room, Diane told me that she had gotten a bit nervous for the first time in a very long time, because the audience was so close to the stage.

“But how do you know we’re so close?  You can’t see us.” I asked.  (Diane Schuur is blind).  

And then, the Legendary Diane Schuur reached out her hand placed it on my chest.  “I can hear you.” she said.

I threw away the number to the answering service, and I’ve never looked at it again.  Over the years, many of you have thanked me for answering the phone personally, and I want you to know that it’s my pleasure.  Truly.  Thank you for letting me hear you.  I hear your compliments and your complaints.  I hear your excitement and anticipation.  I hear about your first dates and blind dates and 30th anniversary celebrations.  I hear you when you are making reservations to introduce your children to jazz for the first time.  I hear you when you have a request to meet an artist or ask that he/she play a special song.  It’s part of what makes it all worth it.  Five years later, I’m still answering the phone, with every call, I thank you for letting me be a small part of the time of your life and the song in your heart.

Lesson Learned:  The behavior of the leader should be consistent with the values of the organization.  In order to have an “up close” club, you must find a way to stay in close touch with your customers. Even if it hurts a little, it’s more than worth it.

Uncategorized | May 25, 2017

Things That Really Happened Along the Way: Stroke of Genius

Saturday, June 3rd is The Velvet Note’s Fifth Anniversary.  You can attend our celebration by making a reservation at http://thevelvetnote.com/fifth-anniversary.

 

STROKE OF GENIUS

 

In 2014, Henry Davenporte suffered a stroke.

Henry Davenporte was the founder and owner of Studio 281, a jazz club located in the Castlelberry Hill section of Atlanta, a neighborhood that was gaining a tentative reputation for becoming “the new Buckhead”.   Every night, Castleberry enjoyed a cultural tango between the mass influx of its up-an- coming young partygoers and its long-standing, conservative well-heeled resident homeowners.  Studio 281 had been there for almost a decade, exclusively featuring straight-ahead jazz acts in a somewhat hidden two-story building on 281 Peters Street, with exposed brick interiors, cigar smoking, a stage, a bar and some light food items.

281’s owner was known far and wide as a salty, disagreeable curmudgeon.  Quite scary, in fact.  By the time Davenporte had his stroke, there were probably as many Atlanta musicians who had vowed never to play at his club again as there were interested in getting a gig.

Upon hearing the sad news, my first thought was, “Wow, this jazz club thing can kill you.  I’d better get out now while my heart’s still beating! ”  But as the days passed, I found myself wondering if anyone had reached out to Henry, wondering if he was suffering, wondering if he was all alone, which would be horrible.

So, I called him.  And he returned my message immediately.

“This is Henry Davenporte, and I’m returning your call.”

“Yes, Mr. Davenporte,” I said.  “This is Tamara Fuller, Owner of The Velvet Note.”

“I know who you are.”

“Oh, okay….well um…I know you don’t know me….never mind, we’ve established tha…. um, I heard that you had a stroke and I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am.  Is there anything I can do for you?”

“It’s nice of you to call.  Wanna buy another jazz club?”

I was shocked. I coughed in incredulity.   I barely had one jazz club.  “Uh…I’m flattered that you would even think to ask me that.  Can I ask why?”

“Well, from what I can tell, you’re the only jazz club owner around here who’s on the way up.  I hear good things about what you’re doing over there.  This is your chance to expand.”

“Hmmm…Henry—can I call you Henry?  I am sure that’s not quite accurate…at least the part about being the only one on the way up.  In terms of expanding though, I hadn’t actually thought about it.  Let me ask you some questions…”  And then we proceeded to have one of those conversations about location and building price and audiences and equipment and facilities, and hundred other things.  I told him I would give it some thought and get back to him. 

For several hours, I flirted with the fantasy of having both a downtown club and an uptown club, of spritzing the Velvet Note name across the city.  We would enjoy the economy of scale of booking musicians who could play both ends of the metropolis.  Two jazz locations in a top-10 market?  Yaaaay, me, I could be Queen of The World!  And then I got down to the sobering work of peeling back the curtain and taking a serious look at what I’d be getting myself into.  Two days later, I called him again. 

“I’m not going to buy your club, Henry, but thanks for asking me.”

“Okay.  Why not?”

“Well, frankly, I don’t understand the market down there.  Up here, I’ve studied my customer base.  I know where they live, I know what they do, I know where they get their coffee, when they buy groceries, how much they have to spend on a night out, and mostly, I know what inspires them to come out and hear music.  Castleberry is a multi-headed mystery to me and I’m not sure I could figure it out anytime soon.  I’m going to pass.”

“I understand.”  There was an awkward silence.  It sounded like disappointment. 

“What will you do now?” I asked.

“I’m moving to Philadelphia.”

“Oh, to open another club?”

“Nope. To live my life.  That’s where I’m from.”

“I see.  Before I let you go, can I ask you one question?”

“Go ahead, Kiddo.”

“What advice do you have for me?”

There was a thoughtful pause.  Then, he said, “Sooner rather than later, you’re going to run out of local artists.”

“Seriously?  Um….I don’t think so, Henry. I’m not sure you understand what’s happening up here.  I’ve got requests for booking wrapped around the block.  Artists are scratching at the door to get on our stage.”

“I understand exactly what’s happening, and trust me, you’re going to exhaust your supply, if you haven’t already.  Then you’ll start booking the same people over and over and they’ll become over-exposed and underappreciated and that will be the beginning of the end.”

Now, this idea that we’d soon run out of local artists didn’t make much sense to me at the time. After all, one of the reasons I had decided to put the club in Alpharetta was its proximity to university-level jazz programs.  In addition to the rich, deep population of professional musicians who live here, the schools were turning out a constant stream of new generation jazzers.  This wasn’t a Velvet Note problem, this sounded like a Henry problem, one that he perhaps had because of the number of musicians who thought he was a disagreeable ass.  But, of course, it was probably best to keep that perspective to myself.

“Okay, let’s say you’re right,” I posed.  “I would be stupid to believe that I’m better than you are at seeing what’s coming around the corner.   What can I do?”

“Book national acts.”

“Huh?”

“I know.  You think you don’t have the money to do that, right?”

“You read my mind.  Are you aware of the fact that we only have 40 seats up here?”

“I know.  Now let me give you a lesson in booking economics.  It costs you the same amount of money to book a national act as it does a local act.  When you adjust for the novelty factor, the name draw, the sold-out capacity, the higher ticket price, the marquee value….it evens out.”

“Hmmm….hmmmm….you’ve given me something to think about.  Thanks for taking the time with me Henry.  I wish you the best.”

“I know, Kiddo.  You too.  All the best.”

It turns out that grumpy, disagreeable, kind, loving, genius-smart Henry Davenporte knew exactly what he was talking about.  Later that year, we began seeing that in order to fill The Velvet Note calendar, we would have to book the most successful local acts three or four times each year, which was entirely too much exposure for our little club, and completely unfair to the local artists, as well.  So, this is what Henry was talking about!  His words rang in my head and ears like a Wall Street tickertape shooting out from a fortune cookie.  It wasn’t long before we made a landmark decision to reach out to nationally-recognized artists who were touring through our area.  In short order, we began presenting the likes of Diane Schuur, Christian McBride, Marcus Roberts, Tierney Sutton, Gretchen Parlato, Kenny Garrett, Robert Glasper, Jimmy Cobb and many more.  There were performing arts centers booking the big names, small jazz clubs booking the local guys and then there was us—the smallest of jazz clubs booking the biggest jazz icons.  And that’s how The Velvet Note became known as one of the best jazz clubs in the world. 

Lesson Learned:  Figure out how to do what you do well, and at some point in time, you will be presented with your chance to break free from the pack. Wait for it….wait for it…. Listen to your inner wisdom.  Listen to your outer wisdom.  When your moment comes, get up on the trapeze, let go of your past paradigms and swing!

Uncategorized | May 24, 2017

Things That Really Happened Along the Way:  The Greater Fool

Saturday, June 3rd is The Velvet Note’s Fifth Anniversary.  You can attend our celebration by making a reservation at http://thevelvetnote.com/fifth-anniversary.

 

THE GREATER FOOL

When The Velvet Note first opened, no one knew exactly what we were.  It was unexpected for a jazz club to be located in a suburban strip mall, between a sub shop and a Brazilian wax salon.  People wanted to see for themselves before making reservations.  Individuals and couples would walk by and peer into the tinted glass of the door, trying to determine what went on inside.  After a while, I would schedule my office hours for the high-traffic times of the shopping center.  When I’d spot the curious taking a look, I opened the door and invited them to come and look inside.  Then, I would tell them about The Velvet Note and what made us different from all the others. 

As months went on, these “orientation” visits took longer and longer.  Some people would take a seat and talk for hours (literally!) about how they had always wondered what it would be like to have a jazz club.  They had lots of ideas about what they would do– install a dance floor, have a weekly happy hour, bring back Ladies Night or Singles Night and really pack ‘em in, offer a singing competition with prizes, knock out the walls on either side (or both), give away the music for free to get people in the door, have theme nights paired with them foods, the list went on and on.  Over time, these sessions began to take on an odd tone:  the curious person would give their advice, then listen as I talked about what we stood for and then get a look of pity on their face, which could only be translated as the discovery of delusion. 

Yes, I confess—I am an example of what financial markets refer to as The Greater Fool.   I believe in things that no businessperson in their right mind would embrace. The greater fool is someone with the perfect blend of self-delusion and ego, who believes that he or she can succeed where others have failed.  This whole country was built by greater fools, and I am proud to be one of them.  Specifically:

  • We believe that an artist is a person, not a commodity, and deserves the respect of our knowledge and understanding.  Every artist deserves to have someone stand up and say something about them and the path that has led to this one moment in time when they put their heart and soul and expertise and practice on the line for our listening enjoyment.
  • We believe that it takes just as much money to hire a few smart people as it does to hire a bunch of not-so-smart people.  The staff who work at The Velvet Note are or have been entrepreneurs and musicians and bankers and special education teachers and architects and human resources executives and technologists and graduate students, and we will continue to hire the best people we can because we can.
  • We believe that the enjoyment of live music doesn’t have to come at the cost of compromising creature comforts.  A bad sound system, dirty bathrooms, bad food, hostile service, uncomfortable seating don’t enhance the experience or make the vibe more authentic, it’s just bad business.
  • We believe that the customer is always right, but not everyone should be our customer.  Serving the least common denominator isn’t nearly as inspiring for us as serving the better angels of our nature.
  • We believe that the greatest luxury isn’t being bigger, but providing our customers with unique experiences that touch their lives and linger on in their hearts and minds. 

Most people don’t understand why we do it this way, but a few do, and those are our customers.

About six months in, a woman came to the door of The Velvet Note in the middle of the week, in the middle of the day.  She was stunning, with long, dark hair, and she wore a cotton-candy-colored pink dress.  She said she had always wondered what was behind the door.  I invited her in.  She didn’t seem to be in the advice-giving mode, so I used the time to talk about our business model and what we had to offer. She listened attentively, then waited for me to finish, and then she began walking though the Living Room in silence.  Slowly, she took one step after another…letting her eyes settle on each component before her.  I was reluctant to interrupt her with banter—this was so unusual, I was mesmerized.  After about fifteen minutes, her silent, meditative tour brought her back to the front of the house and almost out the front door.  Then she stopped, and turned, and looked at me and said, “Advertise”.

With that,  she walked out the door.   I think she got it.

Lesson Learned:  It takes leadership and discipline and stubbornness and money to be The Greater Fool.  Most of the time, it doesn’t work out.  But sometimes it does. 

 

Uncategorized | May 22, 2017

The Velvet Note at 5 Years Old: Things That Really Happened Along The Way

Saturday, June 3rd is The Velvet Note’s Fifth Anniversary.  You can attend our celebration by making a reservation at http://thevelvetnote.com/fifth-anniversary.

At the Velvet Note, our #1 priority is to provide each guest with an unparalleled, up-close live music experience.   This includes the quality of musician/music, sound and acoustics ambiance, food and beverage, customer service and and up-close access to the artist.  There’s alot to do and we don’t spend much time talking about ourselves or our own company—many people don’t know that we’ve been around for five years.  But over the next two weeks as we approach five years, I want to share with you some of the stories that have stayed with me across this journey. They say that the first five things of anything—a profession, a business, a marriage—are the hardest. Some of these tales illustrate how tough it is to make a true jazz club work, others illustrate the enormous rewards.  As we continue to grow, the people we meet along the way mean so much to us and we’re always learning how to be the best we can.

 

THE 3AM ANGEL

It was a steamy, hot evening in July, about a month after we had opened for business.  I was up late at night at The Velvet Note, sitting in a bucket chair, worrying about how we were going to make this thing work.  The crowds had been thin in our first month of business, and we didn’t yet have a liquor license so the people who were coming in loved the music, but weren’t too happy about the overall picture of what we had to offer.  We didn’t even have an outdoor sign yet—just a banner that hung off the awning in front of our door.  A couple of more months of this and we would surely hit a wall and go out of business.  Needless to say, I was feeling sorry for myself.

The harshly cool air of our A/C system was starting to get to me, so I decided to step outside.  I unlocked and opened door at 3am.

 There was a man directly in front of me.                                                               

I quickly closed the door, locked it again and took a moment to catch my breath.  His presence had scared the crap out of me.  What the heck would someone be doing outside our door at 3am?  My heart was pounding in my chest, my adrenaline was coursing through my body.  Should I call the police?  What did he want?  Would he be pounding on the door?  I heard nothing.  I crept back to the door and looked outside the tinted glass that allowed me to see him but not the other way around.  Now, he was sitting on our sub-shop neighbor’s patio table.  What did he want?

I opened the door again and walked outside, phone in hand and approached him.  He stayed in the chair, and looked up into my face.  He had worn and weathered skin, turned tan and leathery from exposure to the sun and age, I would guess.  His eyes were blue.  His hair was long and unkempt, down to his shoulders, and his scraggly, dishwater-colored beard was spotted with grey and overgrown and taking over his entire face.  Beneath his bushy eyebrows, his eyes were kind and alert. 

“What are you doing here?” I asked in my most authoritative, don’t-mess-with-me voice.

“I’m waiting for a friend to pick me up.”  His voice had a gentle tone and his eyes conveyed no fear.  He clutched a bag on the ground sitting next to him.  I looked down and saw a crumpled brown bag—a grocery bag—that looked like it had some clothes in it.

“Where are you going?”

“He’s taking me to Pennsylvania,” he said, matter-of-factly.  Yeah, right, I thought.  You’re going to Pennsylvania via route of Alpharetta, Georgia?  Seriously, dude?  It sounded like implausible to me. 

“Would you like something to eat?” I asked.

“Yes, please, he replied.  And some ice water, if you have it.”

I went back inside and looked into the refrigerator.  We barely had enough money for a full week of groceries.  All I had were some slices of NY-style cheesecake.  I put one on a plastic plate and brought it out to him.  As I leaned down to serve him, my thought was that I should not feel sorry for myself.  I still have something to offer, even if it’s just a slice of cheesecake and some cold water on a hot night.

I turned around and went back into the club and locked the door.  Inviting him into the cool air would be hospitable, but it didn’t seem like a good idea from a safety perspective.  I  sat back down in the chair and this time, I could close my eyes and drift off. 

It was 6am.  My eyes opened at the first light of day and I could hear birds chirping.  I wondered if the traveling man would still be there.  Would he want something more from me that I could not provide, such as a job?  A handout?  It occurred to me that he had spoken perfect, grammatically-correct, unbroken, English without a dialect or accent, which was very unusual.  It was bizarre, actually, and I pay attention to that sort of thing.  Who was this man and was he still there? 

I stepped out the door in to the early morning light.  He was gone.  His worn, brown crumpled suitcase-grocery-bag was gone too.  The only thing that remained was the plate and fork and knife, and about a quarter of the slice of cheesecake and about a third of the cup of water.  The remains of his snack were proof to my groggy mind that I hadn’t imagined it, it had really happened.  Clearly, he hadn’t been all that hungry or thirsty, or perhaps his ride to Pennsylvania arrived before he had expected.  Or maybe he was there for some reason that I will never know.

I typically don’t spend much time thinking about things I can’t logically or rationally explain, but since that July evening, I have often thought of the traveling man with gratitude for the gift he had inadvertently given me.  For a moment, when my fear had gone, I had stopped feeling sorry for myself and could get on with the business of The Velvet Note. 

The Lesson:  Life can be Hard.  Business can be Hard.  Feeling sorry for yourself is debilitating and unproductive, and it keeps you from seeing the beauty in this moment.  Do what you came here to do.

 Thank you, Traveling Man.  Thank you.

News | April 24, 2017

The Velvet Note – Now Available for Private Events

I can’t believe our fifth anniversary is right around the corner. What started as a literal dream, today is a functioning reality that I love. Many thought The Velvet Note wouldn’t be sustainable, but we are here and prospering! For the last five years, I followed that dream to create an amazing venue that allows people to meet the artists, have great food and drinks, and enjoy a great atmosphere.

We are so grateful to everyone who make The Velvet Note a success. Thanks to the artists. To the employees. And to the guests who keep coming back – we can’t wait to see what the next five years brings!

To celebrate, we proudly announce that The Velvet Note is open and available for private events. What better way to impress your clients and business partners than our private room with gourmet food with live jazz in the background, and the kind of upscale, creative atmosphere that can only be found in Atlanta’s most intimate live music venue? Call us today for more details and to book your event! 

I sat down with the team at Shofur.com to talk about this exciting new chapter for their podcast. I also learned what Shofur does; they help event planners aggregate buses so guests can easily get around during events like Coachella, The Super Bowl or your private event at The Velvet Note! Check out our discussion here.

The next time you’re looking for a cool venue to host an event, think of The Velvet Note. 

xoxo, Tamara

Uncategorized | March 14, 2017

Are We Advancing Backwards?

This past weekend was the first in forty-something years that I have been uttlerly and completely unaware of the change back from Daylight Savings Time.  That’s right–apparently my life is so technologically advanced that there is virtually no need for me to engage in the outdated practice of setting my clocks forward.  My OnStar system reset my car clock, the internet and my iOS reset my computer, iPad and iPhone, and I hadn’t looked at my stove that day because I ate at a restaurant.  Like many other folks, I get all of my television content streamed online, so there was no friendly newscaster to warn me of the pending sleep deprivation. In fact, I remained shielded in ignorance until late Sunday night when I overheard someone mention it in conversation at The Velvet Note.  

And then I felt sorely out of touch, which is ironic because the whole point of Springing Forward is to reconnect our creature comforted life with the reality of…well…reality.   Has my life become so programmed that I’ve advanced backwards?  What else will I be missing– Seasons?  Weather?  Gravity? And where are all of the big thoughts I should be thinking with my big brain that no longer bears the pesky burden of keeping track of time?

One of many things I love about great, live music is that it never advances past the point of touching my soul.  I know– old school, but oh, so good.

For a look at our upcoming shows, click HERE.  I hope to see you this week.  Up close….

xoxo, Tamara

Uncategorized | December 6, 2016

The Velvet Note Makes a Big Announcement in the December Issue of Northside Woman

Read our article in Northside Woman Magazine (Click Below):

northsidewomandec2016

Uncategorized | October 6, 2016

Teresa Williams’ Autumn Affair

teresakaywilliamsOriginally from Louisiana and then raised in Colorado and Alabama, Teresa Williams was the youngest child born to her Air Force family. She was quite a bit younger than her two siblings and remembers spending a great deal of her childhood alone. “I would come home from school and listen to the radio by myself in my bedroom…singing along with country, pop and other singers of the day, such as Patsy Cline and Dinah Shore, and even the singers from the Lawrence Welk show.” Teresa was particularly drawn to torch songs—the songs of longing and wanting and sadness and love unrealized. “If you knew my history, you’d know that here was a lot of sadness in my family. I am always trying to grow past that…trying to be the best me that I can be.”

In college, Teresa studied architecture, quite possibly inspired by the inspiring buildings at The Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, as well as evenings watching her father chop wood and build things in the back yard, breathing in the cool, crisp took a class in opera and classical music, which ignited her interest in learning to use her vocal instrument. She went on to take private lessons with Kevin Bales and the famous Jan Smith Studios, honing her skills, and eventually, finding her way to the stage.

Today, Teresa is a practicing architect who also enjoys performing and will soon release her long-awaited debut album. Listen to a sample HERE:https://soundcloud.com/teresa-kay-williams-749644497/the-moon-was-yellow

When asked her if her torch songs have been influenced by her romantic life, she says, “I teresakaywilliams_146haven’t had much of a romantic life, with the exception of choices that I look back on and realize weren’t the right ones for me. You know, the ones that make you ask yourself, ‘what do I need to learn about myself?’ So, in some way, it’s about longing for something that has never been there. It’s about all kinds of love…not just romantic love, but agape and family love too.”

Join us on Sunday, October 9th at 7:00pm as Teresa sings her songs, shares her longings, and continues to be the best she can be. With Kevin Bales on piano, Craig Shaw on bass and Justin Chesarek on drums. Tickets available at http://thevelvetnote.com/teresa-williams.

Uncategorized | September 8, 2016

Open Mic Jam LIVE on Thursday, September 8th

Uncategorized | May 11, 2016

The Importance of Connecting with your Spouse

By Socrotiff  Michael

We are all busy, with work, with meetings, with schedules, with children, with life!  However, in the hustle and bustle of life, are you connecting with you partner? Do you find yourself so exhausted by the end of the day that you have no energy to connect with your spouse? It is important to have a meaningful and intentional connection with your spouse. Intentionally connecting with your spouse each day is an essential part of keeping your marriage healthy and fulfilling.  As wonderful as that sounds, and as much as you love your spouse, you may ask, how do I do this?

Three Tips to Help Your Intentionally Connect with Your Spouse today

  • Set aside time every day to connect with your spouse- this can be 20 to 30 minutes a day. What does this look like? It can be a walk in the neighborhood, a drive to get a sweet treat, sitting together in a coffee house, and just plain talking. Some questions you can use as conversation pieces are: What was your rose of the day-Positive, what was your thorn-Negative.  Healthy married couples have an interest in what is going in each other’s lives, they make it a point to know.  No one else should know what is going on more in your spouse’s life more than you.  Another way to connect with your spouse is to send messages throughout the day to your spouse. You can connect by phone calls, sending short, but thoughtful texts, and email messages.  Surprise your spouse by sending them a sweet, unexpected message today!

 

  • Your spouse should not get your last. If you are working 8 to 10 hours a day and giving your job the best of you and your spouse gets what’s left over, over time this will wear on your marriage leaving your spouse feeling unimportant. They may start to feel as if they are not a priority and an emotional gap could widen until there is nothing left.  How do you remedy this? One way is by having healthy boundaries.  When work is over, let it be over, make an intentional and conscious decision to stop all work activities before you walk in the house. This means, no talking on cell phone, or texting as you come in the door.  Give your spouse the same undivided attention you are able to give your work when you arrive home.  Putting this into practice, will help you to reconnect with your spouse.

 

  • Date night is an important way to connect with your spouse as well. Arrange a date night and keep it consistent each week.  Healthy couples never stop dating each other.  No matter how long you have been married, you must continue to date your spouse.  The old saying goes, “whatever you did to get them, you must continue to do to keep them.”  This is true! Before you were married, you got dressed up and went out and enjoyed each other’s company, but somewhere between dating, getting married, raising kids, and careers you stopped doing the very thing that made you connect in the beginning-dating each other, taking significant interest in each other, and focusing your undivided attention on each other.  If you recognize yourself in the scenario above, you can change it now.  Plan a date night with your spouse, and it is important to note, it is not fair to leave responsibility to your spouse to plan every date night. Take turns and plan date nights for each other, each spouse keeping in mind what the other spouse likes.  If you are having problems figuring out what your spouse likes, ask thSocrotiff1em to give you three options to choose from.

Words of Wisdom: Healthy marriages are two people who are always thinking about the other person!

Socrotiff Carruth Michael, is a Velvet Note customer and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist & Licensed Professional Counselor.  She provides therapy to couples and co-owns Michael & Michael Counseling & Consulting, LLC, with her husband Original. please visit their site at: www.counselingwiththemichaels.com


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